Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
mentally somewhere in italy
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.