I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Cats (2019)
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.