Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.