My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I’m not stressed
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
what my late-night hot pocket sees
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite