No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
This has made my week.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!