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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????