I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.