John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.