She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If only
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.