All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*skinny dips into black hole
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“and how does that make you feel?”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
TODAY
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.