My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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Seems kinda suspicious
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*