Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.