Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.