Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me