If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*