Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Canada has crack?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.