WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.