3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
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And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is