[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
You Might Also Like
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.