“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
You Might Also Like
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.