I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Can’t, holding a grudge
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.