when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
that’s really how it is
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.