satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup