At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.