Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
twitter users today:
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.