*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
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Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Natural selection at its finest
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out