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I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination