6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*gets down on one knee*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.