Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.