can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
You Might Also Like
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Europe. Made in Germany.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
This guy gets it.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.