I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
reduce, reuse, recycle