Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Fights fire with marshmallows
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident