At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The pen is writier than the sword.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Some people were born into their job.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.