This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Lol.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both