Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first