Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me when my alarm goes off
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.