An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I only eat vegetarians.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12