someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
You Might Also Like
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.