Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!