Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
selfie game
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m confused about plants
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.