*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
You Might Also Like
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
When the stylist spins you back around
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.