I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Buying a well is money well spent.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Terribly Tuesday.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.