i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.