Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When libraries troll their patrons.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.