Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
A little too much information.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable