I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
it be like that
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.