WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.