judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it