gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You Might Also Like
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.