it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.